a new life

"new life, new life, there is going to be new life "

as easter approaches , new life begins.

i wish to embark on one as well.
ive been feeling uncomfortable in my skin, there's so much animosity that i don't even know myself these days.

on a occasion i am bright and cheerful, on the other i hate your guts ! , yes i hate everything you did, i hate everything people do.

i would stare into blank space and suddenly , a level of anger forms and rises to my head, then i start thinking about the shitty things you've done.

i wanna get out of my skin badly, i really don't know what have i become of who i am anymore.

i've developed phobia of many things, i over analyzed before i make a step.

am i fighting my inner demons? A few weeks ago, i felt that i've hated so much i've become a person that people shunt , i asked my classmates what do they feel about me ?
Their opinons were not even close to what i expect, to them i am still who i am.

i could be doing or saying something, a minuter later i would hate those actions and words that i uttered , i would make mental notes to never to do those again.
But why do i get these ideas ? what could have motivated that?

i'm not bitter about the past either, perhaps i need something impactful, like a spark right now, to get it going.

exams are starting this friday, then a new term begins, i will graduate. i wanna get out here for awhile. The faces i see are getting stranger , less friendly which makes me go into a lapse of hatred.

i wanna learn how to love again, i wanna feel myself again

"Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. "
Karen Horney

sunday, 12 april 2009 5.22pm